I recently moved back to Vancouver after living in London for three years. Vancouver really is a beautiful city. It has everything you’d want to find in an urban area; massive green spaces, mountains, water, a blend of old and new architecture, several sports teams, good food, craft beer, yoga, lululemon and rain. Lots and lots of rain. Those latter three specifications are actually only true to Vancouverites, they aren’t city necessities, they just are - here. People always ask me about the three years I spent living in London. They ask me about the clichés of England’s capital: the weather and the high cost of living. But Vancouver, if I am honest, Vancouver takes the win in both of those categories. Especially with the rain. I want to talk about the rain. Not in a philosophical way but in a – well, actually, that’s not true. I do want to talk about it philosophically. I guess I don’t want to talk about the process of rain nor the impact it has on people. Because that would be quick; it has a bad impact on people. I hate rain. Done.
I do want to talk about the philosophy between rain and how it is linked to the take a penny, leave a penny social construct. Please keep reading. I know that these stories usually have a comedic tone to them and so far, in this one, there have been no jokes, only lame personal anecdotes and stuffy pretext for subpar intellectual thought but I promise it gets better. It does not get worse.
First, let me remind you about the take a penny leave a penny jars that used to exist on the counters of numerous gas stations, corner stores and coffee shops before the penny went extinct (one of the great decisions of the 21st Century…now if only they could stop pricing things ending in .99). The system was simple, if you had extra pennies you didn’t want, you’d pop them in the dish. On the other hand, if someone was short a penny and didn’t want to break a bill or give another whole dollar amount, they could take a penny from the dish to complete the transaction. It’s an exquisitely simple concept – it reminds me of a poor man’s pay it forward, where you pay for the meal of the car behind you in the drive-through.
With the way the world is heading now, it’s hard to imagine this system having the same impact in shops and restaurants today. But this is fiction, I get to make up what I write, and if you don’t like it, stop reading. If you are in the holiday spirit (this includes all denominations of Santa’s) and want to allow yourself a moment of promise, keep reading. This is going to blow your fucking minds.
What if I told you that I have designed a new system where all the divide, all the individualism, and all the capitalism is revolutionised, it’s called: take a brolly, leave a brolly. Brolly, for those who don’t know, is an umbrella. Aren’t you glad you had to read a whole page of mediocre babbling to find this out? This is called sucking you in. Back to the story. I use the term because Brolly sounds better than umbrella. It’s shorter, therefore it’s better for comedic effect. “There’s been no comedy yet so far, what are you talking about?” Ha. Got you again. Sucked you in. Anyways.
You know that thing when you buy an umbrella, it’s pretty, it’s sturdy, it’s perfect for RAINCOUVER (there’s a joke for you non-believers out there) but three days after you spent $60 on it, you leave it on the bus. From that day on, you never purchase a nice brolly again, you become determined to ‘never spend more than $10 on an umbrella’. With that thought, you directly contribute to mass-market, factory-produced, made in china, capitalism. Because every parapluie (French, boom!) you purchase will be cheaply made, will only last a couple of months, and the cycle continues. Well, what if I told you that everyone else around you does the same thing?
That’s right, billions of people have the same attitude so – “I’m sorry where is this headed, we are now on page two, this story is not funny and well so far it doesn’t have a point”. HA HA HA. FUNNY.
If billions of people lose their umbrella’s on the bus, then there’s billions of brolly’s already laying around in metaphorical convenience store, plastic containers, ready to dedicate themselves to the betterment of society, through a kind of unspoken bargaining agreement. You see what I am getting at? Absolutely no need to manufacture cheaply made umbrellas anymore, because as human beings, we would have an understanding. If I leave mine in the communal brolly basket at the front of the Cactus Club and head out without it because there’s 323 black umbrella’s to choose from, then that’s okay because when I go to Earls later on and realize it’s raining, the forgetfulness of my fellow society members extends an offer I can’t refuse: another basket of 213 polka dot plastic umbrellas. Think about it. “I am thinking, I mean I get the point, but why is there no humour? Have you become an urban planner? Is this a thesis?” Classic.
Think of all the restaurants, hotels, theatres, public transportation vehicles that either have an umbrella holder or have a floor where people leave umbrellas. Why on earth would we need to continue polluting the ocean with more plastic? Here’s another quick example: let’s say it’s sunny out, so you leave the house with nothing, then around 11am Vancouver time, it starts pissing rain. Easy fix, you pop into Holiday Inn Express with aplomb and say ‘I am so sorry, I left my umbrella in my room, would you have a spare one?’ Ta-da! They give you one. 11:30am, it stops raining, just dump it at your nearest Red Robin. 12:45PM, you’ve just left an important meeting, oh no what’s that? A storm? TAKE A BROLLY, LEAVE A BROLLY.
It doesn’t need to stop there. Slowly, over time, we will accept this form of bartering as part of society like racism and misogyny. When people realize that this could save the world (unlike racism or misogyny), then we could move on to more sophisticated versions of this bargaining system. When car2go leaves Vancouver, how might we adapt to this new situation? TAKE A CAR, LEAVE A CAR. “Aren’t you taking this a little too far now? We got the point, the story was kinda funny”. No, shut up, I’m on to something. This would no longer count as stealing because, we all do it, and we all take care of each other’s cars. In addition, less stealing means less incarceration because it’s legal. Did I just solve the problem of criminality? “No.” YES. I DID. “No, you didn’t. Should we end the story there, maybe?”
My friend is having another baby, she already has one. If you ask me, I think one is enough. Well, she’s having another one now. Okay, fine, I agree, they are cute. Sometimes. That’s the operative word. Once in a while, I wouldn’t mind having a child to have by my side. An 8 year old daughter, with a sense of fashion and a sense of humour, that loves her dad and wants to hang out with me and look cool at the corner JJ Bean. Anyone else? Where was I? AH Yes! When you have a baby with you, you become the centre of attention. People want to make conversation with you and smile at you and want to treat you like a human being How rare is that? But when the baby becomes a little shit and starts crying or being demanding or annoying others. BOOM. TAKE A BABY, LEAVE A BABY. “Okay, this is most certainly kidnapping and some might say a little troublesome that a grown man should be able to pick up a baby at random.” It doesn’t have to be a man, why are you so sexist, voice in my head? Also, there over seven billion people on the planet, and a whole whack of those are children, we don’t need any more children. We consume what the planet can produce for a year, in less than 6 months. This is a perfect plan.
Think of all the other outlets this system could operate in!
TAKE A PARTNER, LEAVE A PARTNER
TAKE A CONDO, LEAVE A CONDO
TAKE A HEALTH INSURANCE, LEAVE A HEALTH INSURANCE
TAKE SOME TAXES, LEAVE MOST TAXES
Happy holidays to all.