the real vagina monologues or the odyssey of directing 'horny potter and the milf-rider of ass-kaban' by Cory Haas

I have weird goals in life. I want to become David Copperfield, master illusionist. I want to see if I can drop dead on precisely my 100th birthday. I want to be a bad guy in a James Bond movie. I want to create a city where the sidewalks are trampolines and finally, I want to direct a porno. That’s right folks, I want to direct the shit out of a pornographic movie; the same way that I direct theatre. 

It would all start off easily enough. I am not looking for a producer, there’s a lot of those. There’s thousands of men..and women (let’s not discriminate) who need to release energy in front of the old spank tube, so there’s lots of money being thrown around for it. I have no doubt that I can make it happen, so that’s not where the journey would start for me. No, the core of any good project stems from the material. So what famous movie series could I lampoon with penis, vagina and bumholes? Hmm? Harry Potter, of course. Except, immediately, the title becomes ‘Horny Potter’. 

Now, I won’t lie to you by saying that my ambition isn’t strong enough to take on the whole series, but you never sign on for seven films before you even make the first one. Unless, you’re ANY Marvel comic and you can see where that took us… So for this reason alone, it’s about taking one of the stories and making it the best that it can be. A cinematic delight for the whole family… as long as they are over 18. 

Which story would I take on? One with layers, relationships, great conflict and many locations for where the sexy time could be partaken in. It also needed to have a great title. So, I had to think about this for a little while. I’ve spent hours in front of my TV, looking at the programming on the X-rated channels and laughing at the hilarious and truly ingenuitive titles that were being created. You had your take on the classic stories: ‘Midsummer Night’s Cream’ or ‘Tits a Wonderful Life’. The take on the movies that I watched in my childhood: ‘Anus the Menace’, ‘Honey, I Blew Everyone’ or even ‘Little Oral Annie’, yes the curtains did match the drapes. The Academy Award winners: ‘Shaving Ryan’s Privates’ and “Lord of the Rims’. Finally, your more commercial titles, less clever but just as touching: ‘Blondes Blow Best 2’ and ‘Paste My Face 33’ (See? Some series warrant the repeated success). The latter two movies shown at 10AM on the Playboy and Hustler channels respectively, if you’ve got nothing to do tomorrow morning. 

With Horny Potter, there were plenty to choose from. ‘Horny Potter and the Daily Swallows’ or ‘Horny Potter and the Half-Black dick’ (an important interracial love story, in a time of constant unrest in the US), but I settled on ‘Horny Potter and the Milf Rider of Ass-Kaban’. The title had it all: intrigue, action and many possibilities. 

What would be the next step? Well, for me, in theatre, it’s the prep work: what’s it about? Who are the characters? You start to think about casting. What is the budget? and how can you make it entertaining? 

I won’t bore you with all of those details. Mostly because it’s a very personal process that directors don’t often share. This is no exception. You might laugh and say to yourself ‘Gees, it’s just a porno, why’s he being such an asshole about the process?’. I say to you ‘There are no small projects'…just small penises. Which brings us to casting and boy, was I shocked. I didn’t use a couch because I really wanted to concentrate on the actor’s ability to bring the story out as opposed to their cocks. In addition to casting the show, I was the reader at the audition. You try throwing in sentences like ‘Deaf Eater’s the name, Muff Eater’s the game?’ (It’s all about the script) while the actors are demonstrating why they should play Professor Gape, and how he should teach his class ‘Doggystyle in all the dark areas’. 

Then it’s time for rehearsals and boy are those always exciting. You get to meet the people who’s lives you will share for several weeks and who’s bodily juices may accidentally diverge in your direction. It’s important to create a strong trust so that the intimate scenes, when you get to them, are not as awkward and challenging for the actors. A director has many responsibilities but to create an atmosphere where everyone should feel comfortable walking around naked, with a semi hard-on, is perhaps the most vital. 

After several days of ‘table work’, spent analyzing plot points, intentions, sexual positions and the amount of lube needed for the scenes so that we can account for it in the budget, we discuss some of the more intricate scenes where the WHORECRUXES (didn’t even have to try) must be destroyed, using Horny’s wand made of 25% hawthorn wood, 25% dragon heartstring and 50% dick. I tend to be more organic when it comes to staging and (cock) blocking for camera but for this project, the level of detail needed to be complex, we were talking a multi billion dollar franchise. I may be exaggerating. 

We start shooting the film from the beginning of the story. It starts with the actors having to be put into their ‘houses’. It would very much be similar to the original series, except the hat isn’t what decides, instead it is the ‘Sorting Dick’. You see, to create a pornographic parody of quality, you need to infuse as much crude and sexual humour as you can, while having a similar story line. I guess you’re thinking Duh? But maybe some people who are going to be reading this have never experienced watching porn….(I am snickering behind my laptop, tried really hard to get through that one with a straight face).

So Horny, Dong (THAT’S RON) and Her-tongue’s on me (That was was difficult to create and to type out) are put into ‘Slide’r’in’. I know, I know, I am taking artistic freedom and moving them into another house. Anyways, these kids are constantly fucking and sinning, so they clearly are the bad people here..  

Quickly, they realize that they want to take part of the Quidditch league and join their house team. A fascinating sport, where two teams with brooms must fuck the Golden Snatch, to win the game. This scene was particularly hard to film, special effects are not a big priority in the pornography industry. We had to be creative to make it look real, while being conscious about difficult actor’s needs. The Golden Snatch was played by April Fills (that’s a real pornstar) but she did not want her vagina painted gold, go figure! The men in the film were upset that their tools of work were being replaced by real brooms, but I’ve yet to see anything bigger than 25cm. 

After several weeks of boy/girl, boy/boy, girl/girl and big black dick/dementors(don’t ask), it was time, the final battle. Orgy. Sorry still getting used to transposing the work into a world of fluffers and dildos. We set it up as a battle between Horny and his friends against Voldermort and his ‘Spunkeaters'. It was difficult to find a name worthy enough of the evil force in the series that was also appropriate for a porno.  The (hard) wand battles start quickly (after 10 to 12 minutes of oral sex). Killing Voldermort comes at the end of giant orgy where we see several impressive positions, and the inflicting of the final Anal Kadabra, which is just an ejaculation that we turn purple in post.

After calling the final cut, one of my life long dreams is achieved. I’ve directed a porno….Well that’s the plan anyways. For now, I’ll just keep watching them while stuffing my face with a bag of Doritos. 

I look down at traces of cheesy red crumbs around my wand while ‘The DaVinci Load #2: Angels and Semen’ is playing in the background. 

PS. At the time of publication of this essay, ‘Whorrey Potter and the Sorcerer’s Balls exists. Will have to check it out to see if it holds up with my vision.